UNFOLLOW

This is a design for a tumblr t-shirt…

I don’t even know where to begin. Or end. I threw those symbols into the google translator and it came back as “dealbreaker” in all but one of the romance languages. I don’t think the last one gave an accurate translation. It said: why the fuck do tumblr t-shirts exist?

This Shall Not Pass

It started out innocently enough. He knew she would prefer if he was smooth. It’s not that he was tremendously hairy and she never asked him to shave, but he wanted to do this for her. He thought he would surprise her and, secretly, he always wanted to try it. But what started with a little chest hair became something of an obsession for Frodo. Soon he would find himself hairless except for the curly mop on his head.

The thing about being a hobbit is that you just don’t wear shoes. He learned very quickly what the other hobbits thought of this new Frodo. You just don’t walk around the shire with a pair of hairless feet without getting a few glares. Only the women kept their feet smooth. Rumors had already started to spread. His reputation as a hero was tainted and his girlfriend soon left him for a hobbit Frodo knew to be excessively hairy.

augenstein:

I love a good mystery.

In a stimulating world.

Seen twice.

Two guys.

Wearing glasses.

Brought together.

To solve plot holes.

And talk about mmmoooovies.

Laughing along the way.

And learning!

About themselves.

And each other.

The reviewers are IN.

And so are the reviews.

“Seriously serious guys being seriously serious!”

“When these two guys talk about movies you really believe that they’re two guys!”

“So subtle I missed the subtlety!”

“It’s like their conversation is accompanied by tender piano music!”

“Their critical acumen will tug at your heartstrings and lower your blood pressure!”

“Real! Reel!”

Coming this fall.

To a television near neer you.

Laugh.

Cry.

Criticize.

A.O. Scott.

Michael Phillips.

Are.

THE REAL REEL THING.

This fall reel.

original motion picture soundtrack by Moby

Three Business Managers Walk Into A Bar

The first manager, upon taking a drink, begins to discuss his philosophy on working with employees.

“The workplace is changing. First it was business casual and now it’s just casual. Look at any creative firm. I think you have to give employees a flexible schedule, a diversion from work; a chance to exercise their bodies and minds. That way, when they do work, they will be that much more productive. They will want to work for you rather than feeling they have to and they will be happy to be employed by you,” he said.

The second manager disagreed, “If you give them that much freedom they will inevitably abuse it. They will slack off, play games, and browse the internet. If you have an open office space they will fraternize with each other more than they’ll work. You have to be strict. They need a dress code. They need to feel as though they are always being watched and evaluated. It’s the only way to keep them honest.”

“I see some merit to your argument. Some will abuse the privelege, but those people don’t have to work for you,” said the first manager.

“I’m telling you, you have to keep them off the internet. Just block all those damn social network sites like myspace and facebook or they won’t get any work done,” grumbled the second manager.

“Even tumblr?” asked the first manager.

“I don’t even know what that is, but yes. Block all of it, everything,” replied the second manager.

All of the managers had finished their drinks and were ordering another round, but the third manager had still not spoken.

“Well, what do you think?” asked the first manager of the third. “Something between the two philophies, right?”

The third manager spoke up.

“Actually, I think the most effective way of doing business is to go outside the boundaries of the law,” he said.

“You mean break it?” asked the second manager.

“I mean take your business outside the country and employ the young and desperate at rates that would be unimaginable here,” said the third.

“Young and desperate?” asked the first manager.

“Sure. You find the poorest people who are willing to work for whatever wage you give them and you hire them as soon as they are able to work,” replied the third manager.

“You’re not talking about child labor?” asked the second manager.

“Is that what they call it?” laughed the third manager.

“You don’t really do that do you?” asked the first manager.

“Let’s just say I have babies making daipers they can’t afford to wear,” said the third manager with a wink.

There was a pause. The first manager was silent. The second manager stared in disbelief. The third manager took a drink. No one knew what to say next.

“What?” asked the third manager. “They’re not american babies.”

The second manager chuckled. The first manager started to laugh. Soon they were all having a good guffaw.

“I guess you really can’t beat slave labor!” exclaimed the first manager, bellowing with laughter.

The third manager stopped laughing.

“Actually you can,” he said. “You can beat them with whatever you want. Whatever works you know. I like bicycle chains, personally, but you can use any blunt instrument. It’s just better if you reserve the blades for intimidation.”

Everyone became quiet.

He continued, “But I mean they’re slaves. You can actually do whatever you want to them. It’s not like you’ll run out of ‘em. They breed like rats in the third world. I would say rabbits, but rabbits are too cute for for that analogy.”

The first and second managers looked at each other.

“So who’s buying the next round?” he asked. “‘Cause I am not.”